Sixteen years I was a devoted, loving, faithful, patient wife & mother. Imperfect, humbly accountable; diligently engaged in the ever-changing needs of my Family who’s importance was simply more than my own soul. So I sold it long ago, for the price of believing my Family could/would make it through, together, to a healthily, happily ever after.
Family challenges arose, as they will; as the years rolled on, I realized my role was co-pilot with a stunted (disinterested, uncaring, unwilling) Captain; and I was flying our Family alone. That didn’t dissuade me in the least. Nothing was going to break us apart. “We” were gonna make it better, “We” were gonna make it. Because I Loved my Family more than I’d ever Loved anything.
It wasn’t so much as naivety on my part as it was plain old denial; the turning of a blind eye. Though mostly it seems it was Hope and Faith that kept me fighting; belief that our Captain would come to good senses, respectfully in his own good time. That time never came.
You see, dad wasn’t bonding with son. I witnessed no display of love, or patience. There was no love connection with that 2/3’s of our Family; and well, that hurt my heart deeply. I wanted my child to feel the immense Love I felt from my father. So I played “fix this” for all the days of our lives.
You can say I became bitter over time, and yes I certainly became a “nag” if you’d like to call my attempts to reason with, teach, and eventually beg, my spouse to grow up and become the dad our child needed and deserved. I became the bad guy for wanting a healthy loving family.
So as the years past and the differences and tensions grew, I would come to learn that my spouse was engaging in extramarital affairs. The 1st affair I discovered was about our 12th year of marriage. I went into his jacket pocket to grab car keys and there was his phone, with a text that caught my attention because there were well, very dirty sexual words that were not from me. I should have left him then, right? Let’s just say he did the whole “your crazy, I’m not cheating on you” thing and never admitted any of his infidelity, to this day. Plus he’s charming and I loved him…again, my Family meant most and of course he would “never do it again”. The 2nd affair was about 2 years later and I again saw his phone where there was yet another vulgar message; this time I checked our phone records and confirmed my fear; he had been at her house, overnight. It was a night he told me he’d be staying at his dads to spend time together. Yep, I chose to look the other way again and believe in him. Believe our Family would make it. For our child, for our vows, for our love. The 3rd, and final affair he would ever have the opportunity to have on me was last May, 2017; our 15.8 years of marriage. I knew in my gut this time, but I still found proof. He was secretly dating a 22 year old girl who still lives with her parents. Again, I was “crazy”…
This time I KNEW, there was no more looking the other way; no more chances. This was now the time that my only option was to say “enough”, and work toward separating our Family, in the healthiest way possible for our son.
Ohhh man, was I a real idiot for even remotely thinking this was a possibility. You see it was around this time when I learned the term NPD (narcisstic personality disorder) and it all came crashing down as I learned what I’d been up against all along. NPD is a mental health diagnosis of a person with extremely low self worth or esteem who uses manipulation n control and who lacks empathy for others, are never wrong and never take accountability and have nothing wrong with them at all.
But hey, it showed me what really mattered at the end of the day didn’t it. But the price of saving myself from a fraud of a marriage was high. He abandoned our home left me in financial ruins, and took our son out of the county, dumping him at his grandparents to continue his affair out of town. Leaving our son to deal with our family separation without either parent. Their whole extended family have since worked together to block me from my son, instilling untruths about me and showing him that his mother is disposable trash to toss away for good.
My heart breaks in emptiness at this abrupt absence of my child. Unable to support him during not only these big changes but during the difficult teenage years as well.
The following Blog I read, describes exactly what my ex spouse is and has done; he is the Alienator.
“I am an alientor. You know me well. You lived with me once and you witnessed my behaviour patterns but you did not spend time studying and internalising them. I know your behaviour patterns better than you know them yourself. I know how to measure you, test you and control you. I know what your hooks are and I know that the depth of the love for your children is a weakness I can exploit. I am an emotional terrorist. I will terrify you into submission. You will do as I tell you to do, if you do not, I will take your children away.
I am an alienator, you didn’t notice that when we lived together but I began my work long before we went our separate ways. I created fissures and fractures within our family and I managed and manipulated reality, though for a long time you did not notice that.
I am an alienator, at times in the past you felt a chill wind blow through you when my moods changed as I raged and then sweet talked you to smooth the ripples in your growing awareness. My mind is distorted but the projection of shadows causes you to believe it is yours which has failed you. Eventually you came to believe that it was you and not I who was crazy. You shivered as I turned down the gas light.
When you appeal to the outside world for assistance I will turn my most charming face to the sun and open my arms wide and beseech them to believe that I only want the best for my children. I will widen my eyes and up turn my palms and say ‘what can I do when they don’t want to see you’ and suck into my airspace all those who attempt to bring change to the lives of the weapons I know I can use.
My children are assets, collatoral, extensions of plans that I make to wreak my revenge upon people who challenge my views or attempt to remove the control that I have in my life.
My children are satellites orbiting sunshine coming only from me – you could never compete with the warmth that I wind around each of their hearts so that only my love is enough; making yours surplus, not needed, discarded like clothes that you bought and I won’t let them wear.
I am all that they need.
You are not.
When our love ended my rage recruited our children to a campaign of revenge that joins us together against you.
In my mind your betrayal awakened the traumas of people long dead and ignited the fuse that lead to the bomb that blew up our lives. Now, the souls of our children are hostage to wrongs which come howling from hell and you are helpless to hold back the tide which will sweep you and they to the death that is living with losing your children whilst they are still breathing. Your loss not mine which you and not I will have to survive.
Sometimes you mirror me, two perfect projections that weave webs of destruction that sever our children in two, one side light, one side dark, you there in the shadows.
But mostly it is because I cannot see my behaviours, I am blind to the sight of myself in the mirror. The only reflection I need is the love of my children to feed me and give me a sense of my self which I lost even before I was born.
I am the alienator, annihalator, terminator. My aim is to end by fair means or foul, your place in the hearts and the lives of your children.
I am easily spotted by those who know me but invisible to those who do not. You will spend your time, your energy and money telling them I am behind this whilst I smile and continue to shred the trust our children once held in you. I am an alienator even when I do not know it and the failure to see the shadows I cast in the projections I throw onto you, is the fault of a system so blinded by bias it is frozen like the minds of our children, the children being harmed right under the noses of those who should know how to help them but sadly, do not.
In the plain sight of you and of them, the lives of the children you love are stolen, erased and extinguished.
And your anguish and pain are the gifts that I treasure.
And your suffering compensates for the things I perceive you to have done.
And whilst chaos reigns and the system colludes with my delusions, the power I seek remains mine.
Along with the children.
Whose eyes are wide open but able to see nothing at all.”
I am the alienated parent I am bewildered, angry, hurt and grieving. Someone pressed the pause button of my life and I am here, hanging in mid air, waiting for the other shoe to drop, the sentence to be ended, my children to return to my love and my waiting arms.
I am the alienated parent, I am sad in a way that corrodes my life inside and out, if you could see me on the inside you would see the hollowed out cavern of my grief. I do not understand what has happened to my children, they frighten me, anger me, sadden me. I am watching the possibility of their future being eroded in front of me. It is painful to see that their wings have been clipped, their potential has been limited and that I have been washed out of their selves and souls as if I never…
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